House haunted? Shore up the plumbing, get bats out of the belfry

Star Tribune (Minneapolis) (MCT) - Are cold drafts curling around your toes? Do doors close by themselves on creaking hinges? You've heard scratching, bumping and shuffling noises in the attic? Did your fall garments come from storage mysteriously spattered with stains? Have unseen spooks left ghostly shadows on the walls and do poltergeists flush the toilet in the middle of the night?

Yes? Then your house is haunted _ if not by spirits, at least by household matters going awry.

There's help for the ghostly magic and eerily uncanny events that happen in a house. Call for a private consultation _ or ghost buster, if you wish _ but first try troubleshooting them yourself.

_Bone-chilling drafts? The classic sign of a ghost is a sudden chill, but chances are your house isn't filled with spirits, it's leaking air. Cold air comes in when the wind blows, of course, but it's also sucked into the house by invisible forces. These forces (don't be frightened, it's just physics) move air from low to high, warm to cold. As warm air rises and escapes out near the top of a building, chilly outdoor air seeps in low, creating cold drafts. Seal or button up the house, moving from top to bottom, to interrupt this flow; you'll have warmer feet. It's not a technically difficult job, but finding air leaks can be tricky. Go to www.commerce.state.mn.us (type "attic bypass" into the search box) for advice.

_Mysteriously moving doors? It's creepy to watch a door open or close on its own, the work of some unseen visitant. Relax. The door merely is maladjusted, or the house has settled. The simple fix: Remove a hinge pin, lay it on a concrete surface and give it a satisfying whack with a hammer to produce a slight bend in the pin. This creates resistance in the door's swing. The more complicated fix involves tightening screws and hinges, maybe rehanging the door or resetting the frame, in which case you might want to consult a handyman, avoiding those who work only when the moon is full.

_Hideously squeaking hinges? Stifle teeth-numbing screeches by removing the hinge pins and spraying the dickens out of them with a lubricant such as Jig-A-Loo or WD40. Then treat the knuckles of the hinge, tops as well as inside. (Have a rag handy to catch drips.)

_Enchanted toilet? Toilets flush on their own when tidy spirits are taking care of business. Wrong. Water is leaking from the tank into the toilet. A quick way to see if that's true is to shut off the water to the tank, add blood-red food coloring to the toilet tank (after it has finished a flush cycle and has shut off). After an hour, check the color of the water in the toilet bowl. If it's the least bit pink or red, you have a leak. Typically, the flapper valve (which releases water from tank to bowl) needs replacing. Check with your local hardware or home store for replacement parts or kits.

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_Phantom stains on stored clothing? You (or your evil twin) are the problem. If garments are stored without cleaning, food spatters _ invisible at the time of storage _ can oxidize and show up later as yellow or brown stains. You can try cleaning them according to label instructions, but these kinds of stains are notoriously difficult to remove. Consider taking beloved garments to a dry cleaner as soon as your (or your doppleganger's) lapse is discovered.

_Ghostly shadows on walls? No apparitions here; the culprit is the innocent-looking candle. Candles appear to be burning cleanly; they aren't. Tiny particles of soot are being released to accumulate slowly, over time, as stains on carpet under doors and on walls, leaving shadow stripes called "ghosting." To squelch the problem:

Use flameless candles, or the smokeless soy variety.

Keep the wicks short. Longer wicks make higher flames and more soot.

Keep candles away from drafts, including heat registers. Moving air creates more soot.

_Nerve-rattling attic noises? Squirrels, raccoons, bats or birds are behind the attic hubbub. Raccoons and bats come out at night, while squirrels and birds are busy by day. To dislodge squirrels yourself, set a live trap (available at hardware stores) baited with peanut butter. How you dispense with a captured squirrel is up to you, but avoid releasing them to be somebody else's problem or trying to tie tiny hangman nooses. The removal job may require a professional (especially if you're dealing with a raccoon). Look in a yellow-pages directory under "Pest control."

To rid the belfry of bats, find out how they got in. That means working at night (so don't forget the garlic). The Minnesota Extension Service suggests that about a half-hour before dusk you station enough people around the house to keep the entire roof area under observation, Bats will start leaving about dusk, with the last bat out within an hour of the first. Note all of the exit points and count the bats. (Do this twice to ensure that all holes are identified and bat numbers are accurate.) If there's only one exit point, plug it as soon as the last bat leaves (that's why you counted the bats). If several holes are found, plug all but one during daylight. Wait a day or two to give the bats a chance to get used to using the last opening, then plug it as soon as the last bat has left in the evening. Make a temporary seal of steel wool to keep them out. Permanent bat-proofing requires mesh hardware cloth, plywood or aerosol-foam insulation.

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Caution: Only 1 to 4 percent of bats have rabies, yet protect yourself from bat bites. Do not handle bats. If you must, use thick, substantial gloves. If you think you might have been bitten by a bat, or if you see a bat in the room of an unattended child or a mentally challenged or incapacitated adult, call your doctor immediately.

_Really, truly haunted? If you're still bedeviled by the unexplained in your home and suspect ghosts and goblins on the loose, call for professional help.

Jennifer McDermott, founder of the Twin Cities Society for Paranormal Research and Investigation, says that there are several such services in the state, including her own (www.twincitiesparanormal.com). Or, contact a spiritual leader for advice, she said. Sometimes a pastor or reverend will be open-minded and helpful. But McDermott warned that no paranormal group can guarantee that they will solve your problem, or even that they'll find anything in your house. That's why her group never charges for its work.

However, good paranormal investigators can bring experience to the puzzle, according to McDermott. "They go over your place with a fine-toothed comb and seek out explanations you wouldn't think of," she said. Eighty to 90 percent of spookish occurrences are explainable, she said. It's just the heating or plumbing.

If you're one of the other 10 percent, however, McDermott's advice is: "Don't be afraid. Ghosts were people once; they just don't know they're dead." And she added, "It's not the dead you have to worry about _ it's the living."

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© 2008, Star Tribune (Minneapolis)