'It was just a baby': Disturbing moment mother 'felt nothing' for unborn son

'I feel nothing towards my unborn baby, and it scares me.'

Heather Neal described herself as a "horrible mother and human being" when she felt a clear disconnect from the child growing in her womb.

LOS ANGELES, CA (Catholic Online) - Neal, who is a sports dietitian and blogger, revealed her feelings for Kabes, her first born son.

"I remember my firstborn's face so clearly from that first ultrasound...I felt like I knew him instantly when he was born because I'd already 'met' him."

Unfortunately, Neal was unable to express the same sentiments for her second son, Mady.

In a blog posted to Babble, Neal explained Mady was "camera shy" and after an anatomy scan and second ultrasound, the couple was still unable to see what he looked like.

"After the third ultrasound, where the face was finally revealed, I can't say the same about 'meeting' my second child like I did with my firstborn.

"I've been carrying this growing child for eight months now, yet I still can't relate to him/her at all. I don't know if it's because I was expecting to see my son's face reflected in this baby or not, but as soon as I saw the ultrasound photo, I felt like there was a stranger inside me."

Neal told Daily Mail, "It was just a baby. As if I had googled 'ultrasound pictures' and one of them popped up."

Neal questioned if her feelings of disconnect had something to do with the time it took to actually see the face of the boy growing in her womb or if it was simply something to do with her hormones.

Her only consolation from the crushing guilt and worry was knowing her husband, "the most level-headed, non-overreactor" she knew, felt the same way.

"In the midst of feeling like a horrible mother and human being, I stole a sideways glance at my husband and immediately saw in his eyes that he felt it, too," she wrote.

"You would think, if anything, an actual photographic glimpse of your child would help build the bridge that lets you connect and identify with your baby, but for my husband and I, it was the exact opposite."

"...I'm at least not alone in my world of crazy," Neal wrote, glad to share the burden of fear.

Though the experience was more than a "little unsettling," Neal was relieved to feel an immediate connection with Mady as soon as he was born.

"The moment he was born I didn't even see him and I felt this connection with him...It was an instant connection and all those feelings disappeared," she explained.

Since his birth, Neal has maintained a strong emotional bond with both her sons. She reported the joy that came with watching Kabes become an older brother and the experience of getting to know Mady.

The experience taught her not to worry about "unfounded" disconnections in the future.

Should she become pregnant with a third child and the same feelings of disconnection haunt her, she stated she would "not worry" and added, "[O]nce you meet your baby it's a completely different story. Not everyone connects with their baby when they're born too [sic] but I think that's very normal. We don't need to set any expectations or ideas of how it's going to go."

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