Holy, Healthy Marriages Thrive on Communication

Presently, October 5-19, Pope Francis is leading a Synod of Bishops in an Extraordinary General Assembly in Vatican City to discuss pastoral approaches to matters of family, marriage and evangelization. The theme of the event, \"The pastoral challenges of the family in the context of evangelization", asks those assembled to look closely into the new challenges of the family as they attempt to live the Gospel life in a deeply personal way.

This Synod is a labor of love, an invitation to walk with Christ and to live the attainable sacrificial love in embracing one's vocation to the Gospel Life. In the words of Pope Saint John Paul II, "truth is a condition of freedom;" therefore, we thirst and fight to live in truth.

Why is this Synod necessary? In any given hospital operating room, fitness class, or classroom, there is struggle that takes on the form of blood, sweat, and persistence. It's all a part of the orchestration to bring resilience to the body and mind through various, sometimes challenging, dynamics. The surgeon delicately holds her tools, pushing through vital parts of the body in order to heal. The Church can be seen as a surgeon, examining the brokenness and faults that are a result of the human limitations and pushing the body toward a greater unity. The tools of St. Peter are the keys to heaven, and with this set of brass, Pope Francis has called for a movement to intentionality, to respond to the challenges of the family within the light of the Gospel.

In the psychological realm, mindfulness may benefit this struggle for healthy and holy marriages and family through an acute awareness of ourselves and others. According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, mindfulness helps us to live in receptiveness instead of reflexiveness. The brain is plastic, resilient, and docile to change, adaptation, and emotional regulation. For example, pausing before responding to one's spouse is an operative part of response flexibility. If the goal of familial and marital sacrificial love is to help another to heaven, then an awareness of oneself and others through empathy will be a sure tool to use in the process of gaining heaven. Siegel says, "When we are not taken over by our thoughts and feelings, we can become clearer in our own internal world as well as more receptive to the inner world of another."

The family-the building cell of society is, after all, key to societal stability. Just like a biological cell, anything that enters in has the potential to influence the functioning of that cell. The communication of love is essential within the family, but how is that communication challenged?

What we watch has implications for our behavior. Sociologist W. Bradford
Wilcox reports that in Brazil, the introduction of TV is linked to dramatic family changes - mostly detrimental ones. How can an episode of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" not affect how one speaks and behaves? Additionally, digital devices are known to interrupt family dialogue. It is easy for one to allow one's eyes to passively gloss over a social media outlet instead of intentionally and mindfully engaging the wonder of a child, or engaging in even a brief morning conversation with one's spouse.

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Tension exists in every marriage and family. It is generally relieved by the kind of trust that flourishes in a low anxiety environment. When people do not trust one another, conflict results. Anxiety triggers defense mechanisms such as denial, the rejection or refusal to see the truth. Truthful, respectful and loving communication conveys deep empathy, that is, an understanding of the other's needs and inner feelings; those feelings, then, are acknowledged and highlighted as understood. Healthy communication builds the other up. A husband figuratively holds his wife as he dialogues with her, especially in a conversation of conflict.

Yes, open communication and trust are essential to healthy marriages; emotions too serve a purpose in our lives and relationships. The Catechism speaks of passion, rejoicing in the ability to use emotion to choose the good, and avoid what's evil. Emotions are morally neutral, but the actions resulting from emotional responses need to be guided by self-understanding. "A person's temperament, his inner wounds, and his life experiences profoundly influence his emotional responses," say Art and Laraine Bennett. Our emotions and thoughts guide behavior. It can be overwhelming when they are offset by a tough day, though they are truly a gift of discernment. The primitive fight or flight response will always activate in the face of fear-courage, if chosen, will ground you to direct the emotions in a positive direction. Marvel Comics can give us insight into courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is rather being afraid and moving in truth simultaneously. Batman similarly overcomes his fear with courage when his great fear, bats, approach and surround him in a black tornado. He initially crouches down and covers his face, then realizes his fear and stands up slowly but with strength, and breathes in his fear (Batman Begins, 2005). He accepts the challenge, the difficulty and its tension. He enters into it and owns his fear.

If you are not sure how to start fostering good communication in your marriage, many lay organizations and retreats, psychological counseling services and conferences exist to support married couples in their vocations. Married couples seeking to improve their communication in respect, collaboration, openness and honesty, will benefit from participating in a group of others striving in the same vocation. What happens when an individual separates from its pack in an environment fraught with peril and becomes isolated in the process? It is more vulnerable to attack. Couples thrive in supportive community, enriched by a foundation of the communication skills mentioned here.

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