Returning Iraq veterans, Catholic families challenged to rebuild lives

ST. PAUL, Minn. (The Catholic Spirit) - When Heidi Sellars was preparing for her husband, Army National Guard Capt. Steven Sellars, to come home from Iraq in 2005, people often said things to her like, "Aren't you just thrilled?" and "It's going to be so great."

However, she wasn't looking forward to the homecoming, she said. "I know that sounds really sad, but we were planning my sister's wedding, and [Sellars' daughter] Evelyn was still a newborn, and it was just crazy," she said. "I just knew it was going to be a challenge." For a year and a half, she had been a single parent. She had gone through an at-risk pregnancy and left her job to stay at home with her son, Ryan, 3, and her new daughter. Sellars said she expected the transition to being with her husband again to be difficult, and it was, she said. "It's not always such a happy reunion," Sellars said of military families after deployment. For her family, "It's been a long process, and it still is." Before his deployment, Steve, 32, had worked part time and stayed at home with Ryan. Now Steve's the breadwinner, and Heidi, also 32, stays at home with both children. Redefining spousal and parental roles was part of "finding that new normal," Steve said. "Nobody's the same after deployment. I know I'd changed a lot, as did Heidi," he said. Heidi and Steve have struggled with anger and impatience, sometimes without knowing the cause, they said. They participated in the Army National Guard's family reintegration programs and turned to their own families for support. If their parish, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton in Hastings, Minn., had offered support, they would have utilized that, as well, they said. "I got the feeling that they didn't know [about his service in Iraq]," Steve said. "I think if they had, they probably would have been a little more active in reintegrating us." Addressing reintegration Ministry to families challenged by post-deployment issues is often overlooked in parishes, said Joseph Michalak, diaconate formation director for the archdiocese's Division of Clergy and Personnel and Services. In an effort to bridge that gap, the archdiocese is co-sponsoring a Minnesota Army National Guard seminar May 2 for clergy and pastoral leaders to address issues faced by veterans and families after the soldier's return home. Entitled "Beyond the Yellow Ribbon: How Churches Can Help Soldiers and Their Families Readjust After Combat," the seminar is part of a National Guard outreach program that began in 2005 to help community leaders understand the challenges faced by returning veterans and their families. The seminar seeks to inform clergy and parish leaders about the challenges of changed familial and relational dynamics for returning soldiers, as well as spiritual challenges soldiers face, said Minnesota Army National Guard Chaplain John Morris, an ordained Methodist minster. "We're not just talking about caring for that person. We're talking about the entire structure of dynamics within a web of relationships," Michalak added. Different dynamics Families often change as they learn to live in the absence of their soldier, and when the soldier comes home, the family is unaware of how much change has taken place, Michalak said. Soldiers are also changed by their combat experience. The Minnesota Army National Guard currently has 2,800 soldiers deployed in the Middle East. They've been gone since September 2005. Many of them were scheduled to come home in March, but their stay was extended in January through the end of the summer or early fall. No official date has been announced for the homecoming. Churches need to care for their returning soldiers "as a matter of justice, and as a matter of charity," Michalak said. "It's probably one of those areas of ministry that doesn't appear on any official list anywhere, but is nonetheless very real and going to become larger in the months ahead, so it's a prudent, wise and loving thing to be prepared to serve," Michalak said. "Catholics put a high value on the institution of marriage," Rev. Morris said. "No marriage does well with 22 months of separation - which is how long our Minnesota guard soldiers will have been gone by the time they return this fall." Unique archdiocese Rev. Morris outlined three main issues returning soldiers and their families face: - Renegotiating the marriage. - Renegotiating their role in the family. - The transition for the soldier from being a warrior to being a citizen again. This wholistic approach to readjustment is a relatively new development, Rev. Morris said. "We've always counted on communities to bring our soldiers home and help them learn to be citizens again," he said. However, public reaction to Vietnam War veterans revealed that some communities don't always "bring their soldiers home," he said. "Beyond the Yellow Ribbon" is an effort to work with the community to adjust soldiers to citizenship. Rev. Morris also plans to address soldiers' spiritual lives at the May 2 seminar. Combat usually affects soldiers' relationship with God in three ways: deepening or new faith, temporary disillusionment or deep cynicism and bitterness. Priests can play a significant role as confessors, healing agents, reconcilers and mediators, he said. However, clergy and church leaders are sometimes hesitant to reach out, Rev. Morris said. "I don't see a lot of [Catholic or Protestant] pastors jumping in to reach out and do ministry to veterans and their families," he said. "Most pastors are pretty conflicted about the whole concept of war, much less this war, and not sure what to do. They don't want to do any harm, so they don't do anything." The archdiocese is doing something unique in reaching out to veterans, Rev. Morris said. "I don't know of any other archdioceses in the country that are intensely reaching out to the military and saying 'How can we help our parishioners who are serving in the military and their families,'" he said.

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This story was made available to Catholic Online by permission of The Catholic Spirit(www.thecatholicspirit.com), official newspaper of the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, Minn.