Building a solid foundation: A marriage's first five years

WASHINGTON (CNS) - The early years of marriage can be rocky terrain, but they also provide the chance to build a strong foundation for marriage in the years ahead.

"A common mistake newly married couples make is that they don't sit down together and establish their priorities," said Kathy Passauer. She and her husband Fred, married 26 years, serve as a presenting team for Worldwide Marriage Encounter. Both husband and wife need to participate actively in deciding what their main concerns are for their life together, she said. Areas the couple should examine when setting priorities are faith, money, time with family, having children, time alone together, sexuality, careers and household chores. If couples do not talk frankly and listen openly to each other's hopes and dreams, things can easily veer off course. "You can wake up five years later and ask, 'Why are your dreams so different from mine?'" her husband said. Like many couples, the Passauers struggled in their early years with what they thought each of them expected and found that they were growing apart early into their marriage. Kathy said: "We didn't fight, but it was like Fred was in a boat, drifting away from me. I didn't know how to get that romance back." He was working two jobs, and the family was well provided for, but their relationship was suffering. "I was never home, we were never together," he said. Then five years into their marriage, they attended their first Marriage Encounter weekend. As they talked that weekend, he said, it was devastating to his ego to hear his wife say "I don't want a rich husband." But through what she called an "eye-opening" weekend, they gained a clearer understanding of each other and renewed their priorities as husband and wife. Without a common understanding of where you are going, animosity can set it, said Fred, who is a permanent deacon. "The first five years of marriage, you're groping in the dark," he said. Instead of blaming each other when problems arise, spouses need to learn that the solution may be that they themselves need to invest more time in doing things differently. "A husband, for example, may never have thought that his wife feels used when he goes out to play softball with his friends," Fred explained. But when she becomes bitter about it, he may think to himself "Well, she never said anything before." By coming to a decision together about spending time with family and friends earlier in their relationship, this could have been avoided, the couple said. A husband and wife also need to understand the dynamics of their own relationship in the early years. Being married to anyone is a major transition, and it takes time to adjust to that. A marriage relationship has cycles, Kathy said, including romance, disillusionment and joy. Being aware of this helps couples. Couples should not be startled or feel panicked when they experience disillusionment after the fun and romance of courtship. Kathy cautioned that when disillusionment enters in, it's important for a couple not to give in to escape routes such as TV, the computer or alcohol. Setting aside some time to be together and talk honestly is important for strengthening their intimacy and growing in love as a couple over time. Finally, creating a support network for themselves in the early years of marriage can be very beneficial to a couple's relationship. "Some couples tend to isolate themselves," said Kathy. "It is so important that they share their relationship, their love and their faith with others." In their work as a sponsor couple for engaged couples at their parish, St. Bartholomew Church in Manchester, Md., the Passauers encourage couples to develop friendships with other couples of faith. "People of faith are so joy filled," Fred noted. "They are raised above the ordinary." Sometimes when disappointments and hardships set in, "a couple alone is not going to be able to go beyond disillusionment to joy." But through their friendship, "maybe others in their lives can be instruments of grace," he said. - - - Reed is a freelance writer in Arlington, Va.

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Copyright (c) 2007 Catholic News Service/U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops