Marriage preparation for couples becoming stepparents

(CNS)- Marriage in the church requires preparation that addresses family life's complexities. Sometimes that means addressing the needs of couples who, upon marrying, will become stepparents. These may include widows and widowers, people whose earlier marriage was annulled and single parents planning to marry.

The marriage, in short, will involve a new family setting in which not everyone has "chosen" the others - in which children, for example, have not necessarily chosen the new spouse. Many Catholic dioceses and parishes help couples prepare for marriage by taking the premarital inventory FOCCUS (an acronym for Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study) to. A section of this packet of questions addresses concerns related to a previous marriage and forming a new, shared household. The goal of FOCCUS is to help couples better understand what their challenges are and where to find resources that will help them meet those challenges. Many Catholic dioceses and parishes offer "Pre-Cana II" or "Cana II" marriage-education programs for couples where one or both of the future spouses have been married before. The program leaders include married couples who have remarried and headed stepfamilies. Like "Pre-Cana," these programs bring together groups of engaged couples in a seminar/workshop format supplied with information, worksheets and opportunities for group discussion. The facilitators are credible witnesses of functioning stepfamilies and are able to discuss the real issues such families can face. And like "Pre-Cana," the topics include the spirituality of marriage, finances, communication, conflict management and other topics that are relevant to any marriage. However, there is an emphasis on areas of concern unique to these particular couples, including those who already have children. Are the children hostile toward the future mom or dad? Does one partner want to have total control over the discipline of his or her child? How is a stepchild's natural father or mother to be received? Does the husband or wife struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed with the added responsibility, fearful of attempts at manipulation by a stepchild? There are instances when the new marriage itself "competes" with the parenting relationship. So relationship skills are taught in these programs that foster awareness of such issues and how to handle them. Incidentally, the generally accepted term for such families today is "stepfamilies" as opposed to "blended families," which commonly was used in the past. The ideal of two families blending is perhaps unrealistic for many. Stepfamilies honor the differences and set ground rules for a respectful life together. Pre-Cana II helps couples begin with realistic objectives. With FOCCUS as a beginning step, Pre-Cana II as the marriage-education component and good, compassionate pastoral care, the Catholic Church provides couples with the resources and encouragement they to lead and love their newly constituted family. Couples forming stepfamilies enter into marriage with a hope that is based on the very fact that love has found them again. When they are embraced by a loving faith community that pours out the kind of hospitality reflected in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, they can beat the odds and begin a lifetime together. Lyke is coordinator of the Archdiocese of Chicago's Marriage Ministry, Family Ministries Office.

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