Parenting with praise, affirmation and encouragement

ESSEX JUNCTION, Vt. (Catholic Online) - In the second of a three-part-series of articles directed toward new parents, Louise Dietzel offers some basic parenting tools from her book, Parenting with Respect and Peacefulness.

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There are a variety of tools that parents can choose and use to face the everyday challenges of bringing up their children. Five of the most important tools to practice and teach are: praise, affirmation, encouragement, criticism/feedback and judgement. DEFINING AND USING PRAISE

Praise is a way of communicating approval, admiration, valuing, applause, compliments, congratulations, or honor to your child, his/her behavior, or accomplishment. Praise says: "You are wonderful." "I know you can ride your tricycle all by yourself." Praise is a way of paying attention to your children in a way that meets their recognition needs while it provides support for themselves, their behavior, accomplishments, and achievements. DEFINING AND USING AFFIRMATION The tool of affirmation is helpful at those times when you honestly cannot praise either your child's actions or performance. Affirmation is a way of saying that I accept you as a person even though I chose not to accept, value, support, or approve of your behavior or actions at this moment. Affirmation is needed most when your child is feeling discouraged, and her/his behavior out-of-control or disrespectful. Use your creativity to look beneath your child's behavior for what you can affirm. In any situation, it is possible to find something to affirm. Receiving affirmation helps to meet needs of recognition, acceptance and approval. DEFINING AND USING ENCOURAGEMENT Encouragement is synonymous with being a cheerleader. Your child is on the playing field, playing the game, and you are on the sidelines saying: "I know you can do it," "Keep hanging is there," "I am on your side," "Go for it," "You'll make it," and "I believe in you." Encouragement inspires, motivates, stimulates, promotes, and is an antidote to discouragement. Think about some of your first experiences, such as: holding a crayon, cutting paper, and tying shoes. Remember how conscious each step and move was and how much you practiced. Now, many years later, you do not have to stop and think about each and every move you make. It is so familiar; it is part of you. Encouragement entails trusting that your child can learn the steps involved to master a task or skill. DEFINING AND USING CRITICISM/FEEDBACK AND JUDGMENT Each of you has experienced being criticized or judged (in a negative way.) Some forms of criticism and judgment hurt and humiliate your children. Criticism and judgment are expressed in both direct and indirect ways, in positive and negative ways. Some negative forms are teasing, sarcasm, comparison, humor or jest, ridicule, insult, taunting, mockery, harassment, and shaming. Yet, it is possible and helpful for you to give your children positive feedback using constructive criticism and judgment; about themselves, their thinking, actions and behaviors, choices and decisions, and activities. The best way to give positive feedback is to say, "I want to tell you something important that I noticed about you." Then, proceed to share you feedback in clear and specific terms. Feedback that is honest, nonjudgmental, and respectful can teach children to take more responsibility for themselves. Remember, you can never have too many tools in your parenting tool kit or be too familiar with what each does. It is better for you to err on the side of too much praise, affirmation, and encouragement than too much negative criticism and judgment. - - - Louise A. Dietzel is a practicing psychologist-master, clinical mental health counselor and mother of three. A copy of Parenting with Respect and Peacefulness may be ordered at (www.louisedietzelparenting.com).

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The information from the book, Parenting with Respect and Peacefulness was made available to Catholic Online by permission of the author, Louise Dietzel. The book may be ordered at (www.louisedietzelparenting.com).