Dr. Denton Weiss on Death and Dying: Pride and Fear or Love and Faith?

So how do I recover? How can I find joy when my soul aches in pain?

How can our faith help? Our Lord is a loving God. He clearly wants us to grieve and know the pain of loss, but he is also a God of Love and healing. Our depression and inability to move forward are not from a Lord of Love. However, he understands them well and walks through them with us. So how do I recover? How can I find joy when my soul aches in pain?

P>PORTSMOUTH,VA. (Catholic Online) - Dear Dr Denton: Recently I lost a loved one and I am having a tough time dealing with the loss. Can you help?

Pride and Fear or Love and Faith.

On Good Friday I walked into a church without kneelers and said to my Lord "Please Jesus bring the kneelers back into this beautiful basilica". Mass was starting and I was dressed to the nines. I had my suit and all the fittings in place. I was sitting asking God what am I doing with my life. I had just lost a friend after a surgery and was emotionally spent. The cause of his death was not clear and the Lenten season had been the worst of my life culminating in the loss of life.

As I sat in a state of quiet we all began to rise slowly and move forward to the cross. Initially they came out with three crosses. "What is this" I thought - "there is only one cross for Christ not three". Once again critical, angry, and simply questioning God. As we moved forward I waited and then stepped out to walk down the aisle. In front of me was a small, African American man bent and weathered with the burdens of time. He shuffled as I walked proudly. Then suddenly I realized he was wearing sweat pants and his gait was one of pain and agony. He knelt in front of me shaking as he touched the cross, he offered a kiss.

I cried, realizing he was Christ before me. I the Proud physician was struck to his knees. I could only hug the cross below the site where this beautiful man kissed the wood of life. I cried at my sin of Pride and asked forgiveness.

I made it back to the pew and held on for whatever would come next. My brother-in law by my side. We prayed for our wives who were home with their failing father. I prayed for answers to the questions running through my mind. Why was my father-in-law weakening? Why did my friend die? Why did my patient suddenly pass from this would to the next? Why Lord?

Now Fear began to overcome me as I thought of the future. What would happen to my patient's family, our family, the practice, and my patients? Please Lord! Like the voice of my father when I was a child, like the voice of The Father in the reconciliation. Like the voice of the Rabbi. "My Grace is Sufficient for You" Exploded in my head. "But, Lord... "My Grace is Sufficient for you." I cried.

Faith

As we moved to the Lords Table exhaustion really is the only word I can use to describe the moment. I lifted my head and received the Body and Blood. I knew I was given the ultimate gift, the gift of Love.

When I returned to the pew I found out why there were no kneelers. There was no need for them. The floor of stone was worn smooth by the knees of the faithful upon them. As I knelt there on the floor the presence of Our Lord filled my Soul with Faith and Love. 

With the weeks of Easter now upon me I reflect back on Lent and losses of loved ones, now and in the past. I look at the life changing moments of crisis and I see the answers are in Faith and Love. My responses are simply human.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the acclaimed book "On Death and Dying" and tried to give us all some sense of healing after the loss of a loved one. She and her colleagues studied the coping mechanisms of individuals who had lost loved ones. They came up with 5 stages that are now commonly used in helping people through healing and recovery.

Ms Kubler-Ross has been quoted as saying "The five stages.are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief's terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss."

These thoughts are reinforced by George A. Bonanno, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, in his book "The Other Side of Sadness." In his writings Professor Bonanno describes grief as highly individualized and personal, that no two people grieve in the same way.The Stages of Grief, as they are called, should probably be called The Healing Stages

Denial:  Initially many of us close out the event as if it never happened we function as though the world hasn't changed.  The feeling of being numb is common or even a sense of shock leaving a person speechless and fatigued. Pain, sadness, and especially guilt can creep into the heart. Why not me?

Anger:  The most difficult of stages to manage because denial is gone. Someone or something is to blame for this pain I feel. The very people who are supporting us are often the ones we strike. Sometimes we strike at God. We yell in our minds "why Lord why, you could have stopped this from happening!" 

Bargaining: This stage is often seen in patients or the family member of a patient with a terminal illness or paralytic injury. Dear Lord please take me instead. I'll change my ways Lord just give me a chance to make things right. Almost always a higher power is part of this phase.

Depression: The stage that I find to be the most debilitating in my practice and in myself has the potential to be the most destructive. In this stage often the patient or the person who has lost a loved one realizes the situation is without repair. The illness is terminal.  The loved one is not coming home. The emotions of despair, loneliness, and emptiness are inevitable. We must go here to heal, but the bottom of this barrel can be one of extreme muck. A wonderful priest once told me that once you get to the bottom of the barrel the muck can be pretty ugly. The duration of this stage can be extremely variable and has the potential to become pathological.

Acceptance: This is considered the final stage of the grieving process. The the individual who is dying this is the point where they accept their finality in this world and prepare for passing. They come to have peace. (Faith) For the individual left behind acceptance can be extremely difficult. In this stage the person accepts the loss as part of life, as part of God's will. We move on with our lives. Our lives will never be the same and we come to understand that is the only constant in life (Change).

Professor Bonanno and his colleagues described different types of grieving.

Prolonged/Chronic grief: One in ten individuals can grieve for years and get worse over time. This type of grief becomes problematic leaving the individual struggling to function in even day to day activities.

Recovery Pattern: One in ten individuals who have intense grief for a few months to a year and then steadily improve.  These individuals are able to function but when asked will state they never really got over the loss.

Resilience: One-third to two-thirds of all people grieving a loss are in this category.  The resilient person experiences intense pain and hurt for a few days to weeks and then begins to recover. These people are able to put the pain aside and function when the demands of life are placed upon them. They accept the loss and are able to move forward.

Bonanno's research showed these types of categories are found in all types of traumatic events not only in the loss of a loved one.

Unfortunately the ability to heal is often slowed by a reoccurring site, sound, or even an attack. In the litigious world we live in, the ability to heal can even be marred by the assault of legal attacks. The incidence of depression among physicians is well over 50% who are sued. Interestingly the cause is similar to the person who leaves a room untouched for years after a death. The tattoo on the arm of loved one who has passed. All of these are recurrent reminders of the death or trauma.

Initially these may be healing, but later they can also become the source of reliving the loss all over. Just when the process of acceptance is coming closer the reality of the room, the law suit, the tattoo forces us to relive the pain all over again. We get locked into a cycle we can't break. The consequences can be tragic. These cycles can be expressed in recurrent anger, depression, and denial of the realities we are living.

The stages of grief should occur, but when they are prolonged something is missing. Sheryl Larson a good friend and grief counselor of many years' states that grieving can be variable in duration for each individual. There is no set timeline. She feels and I agree the need for love and a loved one's arm to hold on to is invaluable. Unfortunately, grieving for a prolonged period often leads to depression and chronic fatigue.

Dr Edward Creagan a well known Oncologist from Mayo Clinic recommends to his patient with prolonged grief to look for professional help. He feels that the prolonged feelings/symptoms which are warning signs are as follows:
- Can focus on little else but your loved one's death
- Have persistent pining or longing for the deceased person
- Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame
- Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
- Feel as if life isn't worth living
- Have lost your sense of purpose in life
- Wish you had died along with your loved one

How long is too long? Most therapists try not to put a timeline on grief. Each individual is different and the road to recovery can be slow. Most people believe grieving beyond a 6 months to a year is extremely troublesome, and warrant some professional help.  

How can our faith help? Our Lord is a loving God. He clearly wants us to grieve and know the pain of loss, but he is also a God of Love and healing. Our depression and inability to move forward are not from a Lord of Love. However, he understands them well and walks through them with us. So how do I recover? How can I find joy when my soul aches in pain? It is easy to say faith and Love; it is much harder to live those words. I don't want to pray for healing. I don't want to talk to God. I just want the pain to go away.

Mother Teresa said "The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world that are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty -- it is not only poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There's a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God."  -  Mother Teresa, A Simple Path

Why we don't heal is because we need human relationships not text messages. We need human touch not a TV set. We need the loving eyes of a friend not the cold stare of a computer screen. We don't heal because we don't have family and friends who we truly can confide in. It is clear when asking the experts in the field of grief management we need someone to listen and love us if we are to heal.

Christ will speak through a true friend, a loved one, a minister, deacon or priest. In the Tradition of the Catholic Church we have the great gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation that allows us to speak freely to our Father without the fear of reprisal and ridicule, through the ministry of the priest who stands in the person of Jesus Christ. We can confess our anger and pain. This sacrament isn't only for the forgiveness of our sins but for our being, our souls, to grow in the mature freedom of love. In this most beautiful sacrament it's ok to ask for help, for prayer, for guidance.

Please pray talk, cry, and laugh, but most of all trust that Jesus is a God of Love who doesn't want you to grieve for years. He wants you to find joy in the memories of the past and the future.

So Dr Denton why did it take you weeks to write this article? I've been grieving. I will always miss my friend. I know he wants me to use the gifts I have been given to make the world a better place. I know the Lord wants that for me and you. It's ok to Live again and Live Beautifully.  Faith and Love!

May God Bless you,

Dr D

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Dr Denton D. Weiss, M.D. is board certified in both Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery and Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery. Dr. Weiss' approach to his medical practice flows from his convictions about the meaning of life which are deeply rooted in his Catholic Faith. He and his wife, Michelle strive for an integrated approach to life which recognizes the unity of the body, mind and soul. They call this approach "Bella Vitae". or "Beautiful Living". He is a contributing writer to Catholic Online.

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