'The Love Guru'

"The Love Guru" is less a movie than a collection of related gags heaved at the screen.

It's a mess, but an affable one, thanks to the comic sensibilities of Mike Myers, who aside from doing voice work for the "Shrek" franchise has been AWOL at the multiplex for nearly five years.

Even at his least disciplined, Myers can be counted upon to deliver funny gags. This time he dishes laughs in the guise of Guru Pitka, a bearded mystic from India (though we're told Pitka was born in America ... evidently an attempt to deflect criticisms that the film is disrespectful to residents of that huge country).

Guru Pitka now lives in the United States, where he spreads his gospel of self-realization and self-love. Perhaps he should read one of his own books (he's cranked out dozens with titles like "If You're Happy and You Know It, Think Again"); the guru is consumed by jealousy of Deepak Chopra. He's sick of being America's No. 2 self-help swami.

The chance to seize the top slot comes when Pitka is approached by the beautiful owner (Jessica Alba) of a professional hockey team. As it goes into the championship series, the club has been crippled by the emotional problems of the top scorer (Romany Malco). He's been unable to handle the puck ever since his wife left him for a player with the opposing team, a prodigiously endowed French Canadian dope (Justin Timberlake, actually quite funny).

If Pitka can cure the lovesick hockey pro, resulting in a Stanley Cup win, his fame will be secured.

And that's the plot. Not much to hang a movie on. First-time director Marco Schnabel is reduced to directing traffic.

But at least Myers has a good load of lunacy up his sleeve. There is, for example, Pitka's mantra, used as both a salutation and a benediction: "Mariska Hargitay."

Those of us who share Myers' appreciation of the "Law & Order: SVU" star will find this a stroke of genius; I plan on using it whenever greeting any of my New Age-y friends.

There are a couple of very funny parodies of Bollywood musical numbers (imagine Steve Miller's "The Joker" played on a sitar) and a couple of goofy flashbacks in which Sir Ben Kingsley (who won an Oscar for "Ghandi,"after all) portrays Pitka's cross-eyed spiritual master.

The hockey scenes feature a pair of mismatched sportscasters (Stephen Colbert, Jim Gaffigan). Other cameos include Val Kilmer, Jessica Simpson, Verne Troyer (yes, Mini Me, this time playing a hockey coach) and _ ta da! _ Mariska Hargitay.

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And this being a Myers movie, we have an apparently inexhaustible supply of penis jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes and copulating elephant jokes.

Holding it all together _ sort of _ is Myers. He doesn't play characters so much as caricatures, but the sweetly batty Pitka is so eager to do good that even when this wildly uneven movie hits one of its dead spots, it's hard to hold a grudge.

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'THE LOVE GURU'

2 stars

Director: Marco Schnabel

Cast: Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Romany Malco

Rated: PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some comic violence and drug references

Running time: 1:28

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© 2008, The Kansas City Star.