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OUTRAGEOUS! Overzealous prosecutor seeks death penalty against Punxsutawney Phil!

By Catholic Online (NEWS CONSORTIUM)
March 22nd, 2013
Catholic Online (www.catholic.org)

Punxsutawney Phil may have another date beyond Feb. 2 to worry about. If an Ohio prosecutor gets his way, Punxsutawney Phil may have a date with the chair.

LOS ANGELES, CA (Catholic Online) - It is being reported to our offices that Ohio prosecutor, Michael Gmoser, of Butler County has filed court documents seeking the death penalty for the oversized rodent.

"Let's face it," Gmoser said, "Punxsutawney Phil has let us down. I awoke this morning to a snowstorm, low temperatures, and howling wind."

Despite the start of Spring this week, temperatures remain low across the nation. Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early Spring this year, but that early spring seems far off with snow forecast through the weekend across parts of the Northeast.

So we get it. Punxsutawney Phil gave us an inaccurate forecast - but does that warrant the death penalty?

"You know, Phil lives his life behind bars as it is. This is the only penalty available. Maybe it's time for a Phyllis instead," Gmoser said.

Despite the initial motions by the prosecutor, Punxsutawney Phil is safe in his burrow, protected by a private security detail. Jeffery Lundy, vice president of the Punxsutawney Ground Hog Club, warned that Gmoser and his henchmen would "have to go through 15 licensed hunters to get to Phil."

Gmoser added that there could be circumstances that could save Phil from the ultimate penalty. "Phil may not know his rear from a hole in the ground. That might make a difference," he said. 

Despite the serious implications of the charges filed against him, it is unlikely that Punxsutawney Phil will ever face a judge, or an executioner.

For his part, Gmoser can warm himself with the knowledge that his filing brought amusement across the country, and not just in his office.

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